Asking for Help, Trusting Others to Help

I like to assume I can pretty much do anything I want to. Most of my life I have struggled incessantly at something rather than ask for help. That's why it's so fascinating to me that I love helping other people, yet sometimes neglect to love myself enough to receive that same courtesy! Not to mention, other people probably would LOVE TO HELP ME, if I would just give them the chance. That often happens in the way of paying somebody for a service, and I have to say, nearly always when I go out on this limb, the rewards are well worth the time I have saved.

Just this week, I've observed some examples of how asking for help has improved my life by simply giving me more time.

I spent most of today struggling with understanding QuickBooks tutorials. I asked my dad, then my husband for help. But it's really my accountant who can best help since he has most of my information to begin with. So I'm setting up time with him to learn how to use QuickBooks - not to mention a lesson in accounting, as that wasn't covered in my advertising classes!

Last week I signed up for SitterCity.com, a babysitter matchmaking site. Word of mouth sometimes can carry you only so far, and I found it was time to reach out for resources besides just whom I know. I was having a lot of difficulty at first getting sitters, then called for a refund in frustration. The service rep was so kind and suggested, "why don't we try a couple things first..." And those "couple things" ended up making all the difference. My new sitter starts this week!

Dieting with Jenny Craig program. So many times I tell myself, normal women can do this without help, why can't I? The thing is, everyone has strengths and challenges. For me, weight management happens to be a challenge, and therefore, an area I suspect I'll always want some extra support. Specifically, I'm not counting calories or cooking (saving me countless time) so I know that I'm following a healthy program without having to obsess over it. And I get a personal cheerleader every week - who else do I know would get excited if I lost 2 pounds? At Jenny Craig, they do!

Then there's the help that just shows up sometimes. Our front sidewalk mysteriously kept getting snowblown while my husband was at work, we're assuming by our neighbors who are truly like living next to Santa & his elves - they are nicer than we could ever imagine. (My husband rushed to shovel recently to give Santa some time off!)

This week, I wonder if you might consider what areas of your life could you ask for more help to give you time and peace of mind?

The Secret to Balancing Work & Family

This Tuesday, I'll again be joining my friend Laura with Arbonne as we talk with another group of moms considering work-family balance. My evening's talk, according to the flyer, is quite rousing in that "Life Coach Nichole Santoro will inspire us with secrets to balancing work, family, and achieving your personal and career goals." I had to smile...if I knew THOSE secrets, I'd be selling quite a few books right now, no?!?

Then I thought, OK, this is really a great challenge and great fun! And I'm testing the waters with you - let me know what you think.

The truth is...the activities and support systems that help you reach your goals are all going to vary and be customized by person. Some people like paper calendars, some people like blackberries, some people love helping out at school, others prefer volunteering in the community, some people think part time work is 30 hours a week, while others max out at 10. Some people prefer to get support from their moms, some from mentors in their industry, others chat with their girlfriends, some want a personal coach, others want a supportive team structure. Some moms want jobs at home to blend their work and family. Other moms want clear boundaries between work and family so that they have one singular focus at a time. So there is truly an abundance of possibilities for creating balance with work and family.

As I pondered and pondered, I did come to a couple of universal ideas that could be true for EVERYONE. I've been reading them in law of attraction books and more recently, saw them explained in The Secret (I found this very interesting in that my "talk" is also titled "secrets").

Here's what I've come up with that I've found to be true in my own life. If there is just one universal secret, I believe it is that everything you want in your life comes about with internal changes. How I believe this works is fundamentally three components:

1) DESIRE. This can be very easy, in that "I want a new car, new job, new boss, new clothes." And sometimes not so easy and requires some thought, as in, "How do I want to use my talents in a new career?" Or perhaps, "I really want to be a makeup artist, stay at home mom, personal shopper, interior designer, etc." but I can't and/or I shouldn't. To really demonstrate desire, look to your children as an example. They are experts at making their desires known!

2) SELF-LOVE. Love Yourself enough to believe you deserve what you want and you can have what you want. It's just that simple, and probably the most difficult of the three. That's because we've grown up with so many beliefs about what will work and what won't work and so we're used to learning and playing by the rules. We may also have been taught that loving ourselves first is selfish. But as the conventional wisdom goes, we need to put on our own oxygen masks before we can help a child - or other people - with theirs. A very touching book which exemplifies this beautifully is, The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio: How My Mother Raised 10 Kids on 25 Words or Less. Goodness, if this mom managed to fulfill her passionate hobby of contest writing, and earn enough income off her prizes to make a housing down payment, imagine what each of us could do once we truly believe in ourselves!

3) EMOTION. "I really really really want this." "I really really really believe I can have this." Again, those kiddies have this one down pat. They're reminding you at every opportunity, just in case you've forgotten of course, what exactly it is they wanted and absolutely must have.

And then, the external components come into play when you're excited to implement strategies that will get you what you want...a better body, more time with your children, a new career. Trying to implement external changes (think of all the "how to's" lists in magazines) without first tapping into your deepest motivations is what can hold us back from succeeding.

Personally, I can say that when I started working with my first coach in 2004 and wrote my hopes and dreams onto paper, they have nearly all come true.

Try this at home. Be inspired by your life!

Networking for Moms (otherwise known as "Making Friends")

Every job I ever got, I got through networking. And I believe that networking can be really helpful when you're trying to create an ideal job situation that truly compliments your role as a mom. Whether you're considering negotiating a flexible schedule, partnering with another mom for a job-share position, telecommuting in your current position, considering a part-time job, or even launching your own home based business - these types of opportunities typically don't leap into your eMail box, but they DO magically occur when you happen to mention in a conversation that you're interested in a particular kind of position with a particular kind of company or working with a particular kind of person. The people who know us, naturally want to help us or give us advice about, something to the effect of, "Oh really! I know that so and so happens to do something similar" or ..."was just talking about such and such the other day..."

"I don't like going to an event thinking I have to hand out so many business cards or feeling like I have to push myself onto people."

Ahh, yes. This is the lament of job-seekers who have shared that they're clocking most of their time on website job boards in hopes of seeking the perfect match. I'm not so fond of the "pushy sales" approach either, especially since it feels completely unnatural to me, and really didn't work for me despite my optimistic efforts when I began coaching and people said, "Tell EVERYONE you know about coaching." Doesn't that just SOUND one-sided?

So what else works? A girlfriend of mine said it best. She worked for a prestigious hair salon as a stylist, her work schedule was becoming difficult to coordinate with her role as a mom, and so she began working out of the home. As she was joining activities and clubs (not business-building clubs, mind you), she would mention in everyday conversations that she was now doing hairstyling at home. I'm sure it wasn't the first thing she brought up and I'm sure she listened to what her friend was talking about as well. That's the difference - a genuine passion and interest versus a seemingly desperate need to get out information. I can say this because I tried it (ever so briefly) and quickly felt awful and decided that is soooo not me. And I'm guessing it's soooo not you, either.

Networking doesn't have to be this concerted effort to "get out there and sell yourself." It can be as simple as looking at what activities and people you're ALREADY engaged with and interested in. Especially with children, you probably know many, many more people than you realize if you're at all involved in a playgroup, PTA/school/field trips, boy/girl scouts, your local church, volunteering for any organization/event, meeting parents of your kids' friends, visiting your old colleagues/vendors or even hanging out with your friends. Just a little bit of enthusiasm goes a long way. As well as the golden rule.

I'm fascinated that as moms (me included!), we could ever be intimidated by networking. You've been doing it all along, haven't you?

Ok now, go make a few friends, renew a few friendships, and have some fun this week!

Go Out and Play, Then Do Your Homework!

I don't recall ever hearing this type of advice until coaching school, where they really supported the idea of doing what you "want" to do, not what you felt like you "should" do. Such a different message than I received growing up, no matter from parents, grandparents, teachers. I'd sit at my desk, daydream, and it would take me FOREVER to get homework done. Later I managed to join enough activities where I had to do my homework FAST, so it no longer was an issue. Although my grades may have reflected my diversified interests. :)

For me, one of my "lifelong struggles" has been managing my weight. So I know well all about setting up reward systems to get me to lose it. In high school it was the blue leather jacket (please forgive, it was the 80's). Actually lots of times it was the cool pair of jeans, shoes, whatever. It never occurred to me to get the reward first, that I deserve to have what I want regardless of the goals I achieve. It was in that spirit I bought my first iPod this weekend in the hopes of inspiring myself to work out. In hot pink, one of my fave colors. Precisely because I was not feeling so great about my efforts over the holidays. So now I'm all cheered up and ready to get the treadmill warmed up again.

Are there areas in your life you're "holding back" on what you want until it's the right time or until you reach a magical level of circumstances? Particularly with starting a business, I think it's sometimes really easy to fall into the mode of, "Well I have a free moment, I'd better spend it working!" I think that's a definite perk of having a baby - children don't ever naturally think that way - they just ask and get, ask and get. Whether or not the homework's done.

Will this reverse (or you might say childish!) approach to conventional wisdom really work? I'll let you know! In the meantime, I'll be jamming to "Groove Is in the Heart..."

Rome Wasn't Built in a Day

Have you seen Rome? I remember just unbelievable beauty. And a vibe in the air that felt (to me) even more intense than New York City. There were people EVERYWHERE. The streets were jam-packed with cars and motorcycles. And in other places like The Spanish Steps, life seemed to grind to a halt with people just hanging out, some singing, someone giving away puppies, and others just drinking and talking with no particular sense of responsibility or urgency about anything. (I suppose this isn't terribly different from fraternity parties I attended way back when - maybe my nostalgia was just kicking in!) I have to assume that Rome definitely took some time to build and develop its spirit. Plus if I remember ANYTHING from social studies (you can't even pay me to play trivial pursuit), it began long, long ago as a small city and transformed into a big empire and all that. Yes, Rome was built one incremental step at a time.

I have to remind myself of this often. I dream big and then get frustrated when I find myself unable to quickly follow-through on my plans. In my life, I don't recall any overnight, miracle successes. I took one-day-at-a-time. And looking back, most of my fun was working with other people in the preparation, whether it was practicing marching (yep, former band geek here), school play rehearsals, even dating - all those daily rituals led up to the natural conclusions of winning a band championship, giving a really great acting performance, and getting married! I suppose in the back of my mind I wanted those things, but they would have been terribly bittersweet if I suffered the whole process through just waiting for the end result.

My baby reminds me to appreciate where I am right now, to "play" versus "push" my way through life. That the wrapping paper is to be tasted just as much as the gift! :) To really enjoy every moment in my life even if it doesn't seem to be supporting a "goal" I've set for myself.

So on the eve of this New Year, as I've pondered and pondered how humongous and unrealistic I could make my goals this year (smile), I've decided to consider instead how to take smaller, incremental steps each day, that make me truly happy.

I would love to hear your thoughts. Happy New Year, my friends!

How to "Discover" Your Life Purpose

We each have a calling. We neglect it because we think in order to do so means we can't attend to daily life, or worse, that we must radically alter our lifestyles in order to follow our life's passions. It doesn't need to be so dramatic. Just do one small thing each day to honor your intuitive heart. Following those internal messages will develop your intuitive hunches. We do not have to make life a struggle. We always, always have a choice in how we decide to frame our situations.

So how do we honor our life purpose? What sorts of activities begin to let our souls inspire us? Think fun, fun, fun. Play with children. With pets. Write poems. Cook a wacky dinner. Plant a wild garden. Buy an outfit that reflects your personality and stop worrying about whether it's in season. Follow your own impulses. Set your own trends. Whenever you think to give advice, reflect that advice towards yourself and see what it means for you. Watch and read comedies. Laugh as often as possible. Don't just be yourself...be your childlike self. Start a blog. Dress up, even if there's not a "real" occasion to. Be a total nerd. Love your friends. Make new friends. Giggle. Smile. Always ask yourself, what if I had no worries, what would I do?

Life Purpose will then evolve and be revealed to you with each nurturing step you take. It's not an overnight process but a momentum of series of revelations that in time may begin to form a picture.

The litmus test? If you find yourself living in the moment in dizzying happiness, you're following your passion and purpose. If you're fighting for rewards and recognition, struggling to survive, doing things because they're expected of you or society, family or friends tell you, "you should," spend some time alone and think about what small things you can do today to be blissfully happy.

Exploring The Law of Attraction

As a Life & Career Coach, I too, have my very own coach who encourages me to persevere with my business launch even as I navigated becoming a mom this past year. Karen Cappello is the Chief Learning Officer of International Coach Academy, and so I am always thrilled to learn her pearls of wisdom. She offers a podcast website where she shares the wealth of her insights. I was absolutely honored to be a guest interviewer this past week, and challenged her with some questions of my own about the much-discussed-in-coaching-circles "Law of Attraction."

Click here: www.k-cast.com to learn Karen's thoughts regarding the practical application of The Law of Attraction, including how one of her clients memorably used it to attract her new life mate!